Old Muley’s Roundhouse 3.0

Old Muley’s Roundhouse 3.0

Life, photography and philosophy at 1:87 scale…

Life, photography and philosophy at 1:87 scale…

Life, photography and philosophy at 1:87 scale…

Wisdom of Gerry

In 1985 as I was completing my senior in high school, I was fortunate enough to have take a physics course taught by Mr. Gerry Bardouche. I learned a lot in his class, although most of it had nothing to do with physics. During class Mr. Bardouche (or "uncle Gerry" as we affectionately referred to him) would enlighten us with little pearls of wisdom that gave us peek into his inner life. At some point I decided that Gerry’s non-sequiturs were way more interesting to keep track of than were anything we were “officially” supposed to be discussing. Years later I was asked to share this recollection with the school superintendent; for some reason she was not amused. So anyway, here’s what I learned my senior year:

• Japanese people can make anything out of a tin can.

• Belgians eat too many potatoes and too much bread.

• Dentists are dirty bastards.

• Italians smell funny.

• People shouldn't walk on the grass in Hawaii.

• Tourists are an annoyance to the natives of an area.

• Women don't like leftovers.

• Your car will never break down in 80º weather in front of a nudist colony; instead it will break down in freezing weather in front of a leper colony.

• Every nationality has its own smell.

• A church is a place of rest and a building in which one can analyze its heating, cooling and air circulation system.

• When removing roofing tiles, one must be careful not to remove your ladder from the side of the house.

• Children's school programs are not meant for old farts ready to croak.

• The reason my wife doesn't mind slaving over a hot stove every day is because she gets to sleep with the master of the house.

• If you tap Standard Oil, they will tap your pocket.

• Sobiski Corners (Wisconsin), is the center of the universe.

• The best alarm clock is a shotgun.

• Why do people want to shut down nuclear power plants when no one has died as a result of one? People die from cars and snowmobiles all the time and no one wants to ban them.

• We like boiled fish, but we don’t like to catch them that way. Boiled fish do, however, like the saunas created by nuclear power plants.

• It’s not worthwhile stopping to pick up aluminum cans on the side of the road.

• You can’t salvage lettuce when you’re being paid peanuts.

• One doesn't pull trailers with a Porsche.

• A bathroom is a place where, when sitting down, one can analyze the fixtures, walls and floor for imperfections.

• Standing on a scale, or looking at yourself in a full length mirror will give you incentive to do a few "push-aways" at the dinner table. I fight it though.

• You can't play cards at the funeral home.

• When one gets to be a certain age, pleasure is obtained by searching the obituaries for deceased friends.

• Women like to play Yahtzee.

• Don't engage in the use of profanity when the distance between you and your grandmother is occupied by water.

• It's the greatest thing in the world to have beer in cans.

• With the use of a lunch bag, one can construct a cheap Michael Jackson glove. (Remember, it was 1985)

• I like music from those blind colored boys.

• Instead of stealing hub caps when I was young I stole garbage can covers.

• If you want to find someone’s IQ, it is inversely proportional to the velocity at which they leave the school parking lot.

• The closer you are to the lunatic fringe, the larger a stereo you have.

• Your social stature is directly proportional to the amount of trash on your curb on garbage day.

• The farther away from a house you are, the easier it is to steal produce.

• It's OK to shoot an animal (opossum, dog, cat, human, etc.) that chases your cattle or goes into your barn.

• The human race is divided into two different animal kingdoms. There are those who inherit a whole bunch of money from aunt Mildred and go on to major in surfing at the University of Miami; then there are those like me who have to go to the local cow college and work for a living.

• In order to be an artist, one must speak a foreign language.

• If you are a frogman and you are trying to blow up pilings and someone throws a grenade at you, you will need about four tubes of Preparation-H.

• If you have a lonely puppy (or a big ego) go buy a mirror.

• All artists are fur-faces.

• When I retire I’m gonna be happy...and so are you.

• People who have had cataract surgery shouldn't look at the sun for fear of burning two holes in their head.

• I buy green clothes because they look like money.

• I don't know why my kids don't run away...I give them every chance.

• The three best things about teaching are June, July and August.

• Instead of giving someone a raise, give them a hard-hat with their name on it, or a key to the bathroom.

• The first requirement for being a doctor is a refrigerated stethoscope.

• "I" before "E" except after "V". Thats why we spell review, R E V E I W.

• If there is a homosexual in the neighborhood, you'll make it a point to tell others about them.

• Down south, if you go into a store you'll find sunscreen for the whites and hair straighteners for the blacks.

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